Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
