So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
