It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
