I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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