I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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