in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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