I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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