They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
