Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
