I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
