You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
