He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
