He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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