Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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