Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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