I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
