I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
