she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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