I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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