Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
