someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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