we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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