I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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