If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Someone shattered a urinal.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize