My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
