a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
