Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
