come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
