Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
