3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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