Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
