Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
