Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
