I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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