Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
