Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
