Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
