I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
