I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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