i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
