I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
