He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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