nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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