pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
