I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
