bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
