hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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