Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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