Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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