Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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