You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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