woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize