just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
