I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
