new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I cut my penus on the lid.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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