Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
