i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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