This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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