only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
