she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Of course I have a pirate flag
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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