CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
