I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
